THE MERITS OF MISCHIEVOUS MIND CANDY

Or, how to improve one's vapid vocabulary

In the fast-food, fast-track, and fast-lane of life, there’s precious little time for words any more which is bad news for slow-of-mind folk (like me).

I have no “to-do” list and I don’t own a “Blackberry”. Furthermore, I have no need for “power naps” and I don't do “power lunches” (unless I'm wearing my tiara, holding my sceptre and handing out titles to members of the realm who probably don't need them).

Alright, I must confess I do own a cell phone. But, I don’t know how to program the blessed thing with all my favorite telephone buddies. And, what makes matter worse, I haven’t got a clue about the hottest dating device known (to discerning men and women naturally) -- text-messaging.

So, how does one go about choosing mischievous mind candy (you know, the sweet, sticky stuff that tickles the imagination and adds a few more calories and carbohydrates to one's already hyperactive cerebellum)?

Well, take a word like “slob” for instance. It’s a short, four-letter word that covers a multitude of sins, (also a four-letter word that leaves the drawbridge down and the door wide open for interpretation).

Anyway, “slob” lacks shall we say colourful vibrations. In fact, one could say it probably leaves both the user and the recipient in an indubitably bleak state of mind followed closely behind by a complete loss of libido.

So how to bring a spark of interest back to a noun like “slob”? (Note: "Slob" should not be confused with another four-letter word, “slog” as in the verb 'to toil' like witches do, 'to labour' as rock stars do, or 'to work' like a dog …like the rest of us do.)

The answer lies perhaps in tossing the tasteless term into the trashcan, (now stop snivelling ...it's just for one day). Why not take another word out for for a test drive? After all, you've got lots to choose from.

In case there's no handy-dandy dictionary nearby, here's a luscious list of light-hearted love handles to use (besides "pig" or "hog" instead of "slob" to describe your boss, best friend, or long-lost relative Aunt “P”).

Abbey-Lubber, Afterling, Bawdstrot, Blob-Tale, Daggle-Tail, Draggletail, Dudman, Duffart, Dustman, Drassock, Drossell, Fishfag, Flather, Fleak, Fonkin, Fopdoodle, Gyrovague, Hoddypeak, Idle-Worm, Kedge-Belly, Looby, Mudlark, Mumper, Packpaunch, Palliard, Porknell, Pseudologer, Ragamuffin, Rigmutton-Rumpstall, Rudesby, Runcy, Srubbado, Slathertrash, Slattern, Slawterpooch, Sloven, Slop, Snollygoster, Spoops, Tantrel, Tatterdemalion, Tavern Fox, Toad-Eater, Tosspot, Walking Mort, Wallydraigle, Wallower, Whiffinger, Whiffling, Whipperginnie, Yaffling Yokel (and last but not least one of my favorite's), Xantippe.

Remember, mind-candy doesn’t come with any money-back guarantees – so you might want to use your new-fangled words with care, so as to avoid becoming addicted to them or being bopped over the head by someone with a bigger bumbershoot or a better dictionary than you!

TODAY IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER "S"

Or, sock-it-to-me you saucy little snipper-snapper!

By Dr. Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, a sexegarian scholar and graduate of the University of Gleed (in the Village of Thribble) with a degree in Agathokakological Studies (The Ancient Art of Mingling Good and Evil) followed by painstaking exhaustive research on practical uses for the safety pin among sylphs, satyrs and sundry netherworld creatures


“S” is the 19th letter of the 26-letter English alphabet.

Before proceeding, I would like to graciously acknowledge Tequila Mockingbird's** generous offer to sing a lively rendition of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" (for the purpose of exhibiting her latent musical talent not to mention cognitive aptitude combined with rather astounding numerical recall skills). Regretfully however, time does not permit this thoughtful gesture to be acted upon today.

Well now, getting back to the subject at hand, "S" words are all shall we say, smooth sounding, succulent and sometimes indubitably suggestive. Alas, this may have something to do with the hissing noise made when uttered; (...who knows and does anyone really give a tinker's dam anyway, except perhaps your's truly).

Speaking of food-for thought ...my first favorite choice on the menu today beginning with the letter “S” is serpents (more commonly known as snakes).

SNAKES

I don’t know about you, but snakes give me the willies. Perhaps it's because serpents often appear unexpectedly, (not that any time would be good in my books). Or possibly, it has something to do with the 2,400 species of snakes found on the planet; (not that I'm keen on finding any more, we've got quite enough to contend with already for my salutary needs thank you).

Observation leads me to believe that snakes fall basically into two categories: the limbless scaled reptile type or, the worthless, treacherous, faithless friend sort.

A modest piece of advice: keep away from snakes in the grass, snake oil sales people, and snake pits – they’re not healthy people, places or things with which to be associated. And as for the venomous viper, fanged foe types – just wear welly-boots or hip-waders and make sure you carry an anti-vixen vial in your little black purse, back-pack, or pocket at all times.

Well enough about sneaky slithering things…let’s move along to my second choice of “S” word – SMOOCH.

SMOOCH

This marvelous six-letter word is both a noun (as in a person, place or thing) and a verb (what you do or what gets done to a person, place or thing). For those who are not aware, a “smooch” is a loud kiss, and the verb “smooch” means to pitch woo with vim or vigor.

According to Webster’s dictionary, the word smooch has been around since 1578, and before that who knows what they called it. However, every year on February 14th (St. Valentine’s Day), the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune prevail, (as the world stops in the name of love naturally).

And we owe it all to a mischievous, arrow-toting sly-boots if not salicious fellow dressed in a red spandex body suit, (who pops conveniently out of nowhere to prick unsuspecting inhabitants with his love potion).

This odd conduct by Cupid, (the cunning clot referred to above), frequently results in even more bizarre behavior including the exchange of sucky-face greeting cards signed by someone called “Anonymous”, the consumption of far too many calorie-laden, chocolate candy kisses, and if all goes well and luck is on your side, oodles of canoodling to make the heart grow fonder.

Well enough about one of the most important words in the English language. If truth be told, most of us wouldn’t even be here to read this blessed piece of bumpf unless two love birds knew how twitter, or at least enrolled in a 'naughty nesting' course before deciding where and when to pitch woo in Wonderland.

And lastly, where would the world be without my final favorite daring duo -- "Smarty Pants" and "Smart Alecks".

SMARTY PANTS/SMART ALECKS

These lovely double-barreled nicknames have been around for at least 150 years. Of course a century and a half is a long time, especially if one's a fruit fly or a figment of someone's imagination, yet in another sense it's a mere drop in the blessed bucket of Father Time.

Such terms of scholarly endearment often describe fellow-feeling folk whom we often run smack-dab into when we're not looking, run the other way at top speed if we're luckly, or heaven forbid possibly even run over with glee while on our path of life, liberty and the pursuit of unadulterated happiness.

Being an obnoxiously conceited and self-assertive person with pretensions to cleverness comes in handy at office parties and weddings, but most people prefer to avoid them, as they do snakes in the grass, snake oil sales associates or their close second cousins, snake charmers.

If you're not sure if you've bumped into a "Smart Aleck" and a "Smarty Pants"***, usually their smarmy smile or gushing tone of voice gives them away. You know, the all too familiar signs of smugness, ingratiating habits, or simply the false earnestness and self-satisfaction associated with a testosterone-powered toady.

Well that about wraps it up for today; oh and before I forget, "May the Force of Fun & Frolic Be With You, because without it, life might be nothing but a bunch of literary potholes and liverwurst sandwiches."

LIFE LESSON 57: When taking a stroll, always remember to tread softly, carry a big stick, and be careful what you pet (bed bugs bite).

__________

NOTES:

**In a "list of 100 things" about Tequila Mockingbird, it states that she's a textbook Scorpio (#16), she hates beer (#18), and enjoys ironing, especially shirts, with spray starch (#49). For more details about Tequila, please pay a visit to her entertaining, amusing and smile-for-a-day website at: http://www.tequilamockingbird.blogspot.com

**And for those who may be contemplating trying to run circles around the smarty pants and smart alecks -- not a wise idea (don't even go there). But then who says one fool doesn't deserve another? Guess what, when all is said and done, there'll just be more pie left on the plate for the rest of us to chow down. Whoopee... let's have a party!!

POISON-PEN LETTER WRITING

Or, is there a future in this odd form entertainment?

By Theolonius McTavish, (an eccentric yet intrepid roving reporter with an interest in disparaging or dumb things that may satisfy the curiosity of people who have nothing better to do than read this column)

In the age of positive feedback, potentates (often the ‘grande’ and ‘vente’ variety) are frequently called upon to evaluate the performance of plebes who report to them.

Perhaps glancing at a few employee files may offer a clue as to why these powerful people spend their precious time here on planet earth flogging an assortment of fools or flash-in-the-pan types.

This sad state of affairs in corporate life today begs a few questions.

Why are some testy titans worth trillions bored with life anyway? Are these ornery overlords perhaps woefully lacking in opportunities to express their naysaying abilities? Did they have a bad hair day or are the cantankerous clots simply infatuated with their own caustic form of creativity?

The answer most assuredly is, "Only time will tell". (Enough pondering about who let them into the gene pool in the first place; let's return to the twaddle topic of of the day).

The following little gems have been meticulously pieced together by this reporter from shredded shards of paper found in refuse bins conveniently marked, "Recycled Materials Only".

NOTE 1: For those of you who may be interested, this delicate matter was undertaken during a casual covert operation of low-profile, non-descript dumpster sites of little consequence in the great scheme of things.

NOTE 2: While names have been changed to protect the identity of the peons concerned, the cryptic notes left behind by a smattering of high muck-a-mucks reveal why some firmly believe that these head honchos of hubris deserve a place of honor in a “Poison-Pen Letter Museum”**.

• “Let’s just say Yoakum is not the sharpest crayon in the box or the sharpest knife in the pantry.” -- A Cutting-Edge Pencil-Pusher --

• "In the great barnyard of life, Harold excels in ruling the roost which would be fine if we needed more chicken coop managers. Since he has expressed a reluctance to work cooperatively with pigs and cows, his future here is uncertain unless he's willing to consider enrolling in a leadership course at 'Farmer Brown's Behavior Modification Institute'." -- Manager of Much Ado About Nothing --

• “If there was an award for “the most productive bag of hammers” in our enterprise, this employee would qualify as the best “tingle-nail” we’ve got. -- Director of Hard-time Labor & Tough-as-Nails Training --

• “While we appreciate air-heads in our organization, this employee spends far too much time in the Wild-Blue-Yonder or on Cloud Nine. This is not good for morale as it has been shown to have a deleterious effect on our first-class hot air clients and Mile-High-Club frequent-flyers. She also has great difficulty fastening her seat belt and putting her tray in the upright position for early-morning take-offs. Besides reading salacious material like "What Color is Your Parachute", she has consistently refused to don her life-jacket in the prescribed manner for emergency landings. Prospects for promotion are: Nil, Nada, Not-In-This-Lifetime, Zero or Zilch -- take your pick." -- Supervisor of Flight Operations at Thin Air --

• “Bob is a dedicated worker, although from time to time, he admits to having been led astray by a troll or two…and lately he’s been guided down the garden path by a purple pixie (whom he says always appears on his computer screen whenever he eats cookies at his desk or tries to press the “pause/break” button located at the top right hand-side of his keyboard in order to request permission to leave his assigned place for the purpose of relieving himself as efficiently and quickly as possible in a nearby place of ease).
  -- Trojan Horse, Tricky Pixie & Troll Eradication Team Leader --

• “Ms. Fox-Warren has been seen jumping through wooden hoops, although few of her colleagues or mentors can even venture a guess as to what prompted her unconventional behavior since her career path plan clearly indicates that a progression to a game of “snakes and ladders” followed by throwing rocks in “The Tournament of Hearts” was supposed to have been successfully completed before April Fool’s Day (corporate year end).
  -- Vice President of Fluffy Statements & Cold Comfort --

• “George contributes regularly to our company suggestion box. He never fails to recommend his promotion to Chief Cook (of the Books) and Bottleneck Watcher. In light of his insistence about wearing only a smiley face on Casual Fridays, we are recommending that he receive a pink slip fashion statement with our best wishes for a rewarding new career change as a runway model …on Mars where we're certain he will be welcomed as an official Wal-Mart greeter”.
  -- Superintendent of the Snap, Crackle, Pop & Game Over Department --
  

So next time you receive a poison-pen letter, just send a copy along to the Museum. They’d love to add it to their “Blessed Big Book of Bunkum” on display featuring a rather fine collection of curmudgeon correspondence from the desk of prominent poison-pen pals.

Just remember what Shakespeare said, “all the world's a stage”. And, your boss or ‘big cheese’ is but a bit player in the daily soap opera of life …while you on the other hand have the starring role as a “Roguish Romeo” or perhaps a “Rosy Rivetter” if you please!

Life Lesson 83: There’s no future in poison-pen letter writing unless the author enjoys being a trophy on the wall in the “Museum of Mangled Misfits”, (but that’s another life lesson for another day).

__________

**Anyone interested in making a contribution to the establishment and/or operation of a "Poison-Pen Letter Museum" would be well-advised to consult with a barrister or solicitor prior to divulging the color of any dirty laundry in public ... lest the Tide cometh and leave them standing like Emporers in their birthday suits.

By the way, if having the very "last word" is important to you, and you're looking for someone with a wicked sense of humor to create and deliver a greeting card to your naughty Nemesis ...perhaps you should check out the services of this site: http://www.harriscom.com/Poison%20Pen%202-03-04.htm or the playful pranksters at Poison-Pen http://www.poisonpen.com

And for those who haven't been blown away by the Spirit of Spam and the jinx of jaded optimism, you might want to take in a few well-chosen words that appear to have bitten the dust in a rather ignoble manner. See "A Collection of Clangers" http://www.writersservices.com/mag/m_clangers.htm

THINGS A DOORKNOB MIGHT SAY IF IT COULD SPEAK

Or, fanciful food-for-thought, if you're in the mood...

Most people pretty much take doorknobs for granted, but not your’s truly.

Frankly, what would we do without doorknobs …even for a day? All hell would break lose, that’s what would happen.

On the other hand, I shudder to think what might transpire if doors disappeared altogether. But, that’s a whole other story to ponder about on a dreary day of domesticity or a shift of drudgery in the dungeon.

Getting back to serious stuff, what good is a door without a convenient, manually operated, low-maintenance opening and closing device?

While we’re on the subject of Sobriety-Deprived Thinking and Fanciful Food-For-Thought, perhaps we should explore this cataclysmic conundrum a bit further.

For instance, just imagine what things that a doorknob might say if it could speak:

• Yo there Dracula ...mind telling me who does your nails?

• If they had a prize for Iron Fists in Velvet Gloves, you'd be a winner!

• Kindly take your grubby, sticky, little fingers off my orb!

• If you’re a bill collector, you’ll have to come up with something better than, “Open Sesame”.

• The Wicked Witch of the West resides here ...I do hope you brought the eye of a newt, a wart from a toad, and some pickled pigs toes for her cauldron!

• How dare you fondle me like a long-lost liverwurst sandwich!

• Are you by any chance “A Stranger from Paradise”?

• “Beam me up Scotty” may work well with the crew of the starship Enterprise, but around here “Buzz me in” usually gets faster service.

• Are you really sure you want to open ‘Pandora’s box’?

• Don Juan doesn’t live here…go away.

• Behind door No. 31 lies a loose canoodling cannon with a short fuse ...so, have you come to load the gunpowder or just watch the fireworks?

• I’ve been here for 35 years and you’re the first flipping person who's actually spoken to me ...by the way, why are you here, who sent you, and what planet did you say you came from?

• Listen, if you're really a "Pirate from Penzance", then you won't mind showing me your peg-leg, dagger, and trusty tube of tartar-fighting, rum-flavored toothpaste for sensitive teeth will you?
  
  
  
  

IT'S FUNKY FEBRUARY!

Or, it's fanciful, flirtatious and very funky February of course!

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees* (referred to in polite circles as the Duchess of Dither) and edited by Lord Earl Craboon** (better known in the upper echelons of society as the Duke of Doorknobs)


Why is everyone so happy?

Because it's festive, flirtatious and frolicking February of course -- ahem ...the shortest month of the year. Time to sample some frisky fortune cookies for a change.

Merry-making males better beware, because who knows when all those feisty females will cash in their "frequent flubber" cards, (you know, the ones with little red hearts all over them.)

By the way, our best advice is to toss the Twinkies (unless of course you like being a blimp). Try playing the role of the Prince or Princess of Pucker Power for a day, maybe even a week if you feel so inclined. (Oh what fun tiddly pum!)

Aquarians will need to put down their personal diaries for a moment and listen (which is a difficult task for warter-carriers like you). Say, aren't you the rainbow-inspired, paragliding, Uranus folk with weird friends who get a real kick out of telling others what needs to be done? Oh do stop gloating, it doesn't become you. And yes, we know it’s now your turn to run the zodiac! (Thank God it's only for a month!)

On the other hand, if you’re a ridiculous rooster or heartbroken hen-pecker with a touch of barnyard blues, you’re probably relieved to know that your twelve-year cycle in the Chinese astrological calendar has finally arrived. (Oh whoopee-ding for everyone else!)

And, if you were just waking up after a long winter nap like the groundhog, you’d just as soon hit the frigging snooze alarm button, and grab a bit more shut-eye before facing a wild bunch of cavorting Cupids on Valentine’s Day!

So, without further adieu…here’s what you can do to keep yourself tickled pink for the entire month of February:


February 1: International Daydreaming Day (time to see who can gaze vacantly into space the longest …while listening to a long-winded lecture or munching on molecules)

February 2: Hug a Hog Day (time to press the flesh with grunt and groan types who seem to spend most of their time in the barnyard of life chasing their own shadows)

February 3: Aquarius Heritage Day (beware of water carrying geniuses eating unusual food and are a tad independent, mentally odd, tactless, or eccentric for their own good)

February 4: National ‘Pass the Buck Day’ (a wonderful way to honor those who are forever delegating dirty jobs to other poor souls lower down the food chain of life)

February 5: Whoop-De-Doo Day (get ready to build sandcastles in the air, draw outside the lines, and share your favorite wind-up toys with other grown-up kids at work)

February 6: Ding Dong Appreciation Day (time to remember when you last invited a bible-thumper or political candidate into your home to discuss the future of grommets)

February 7: Elephant in the Living Room Appreciation Day (in honor of all sorts of big bogies or couch critters we ignore, and we’d just as soon others did too please!)

February 8: Get Thee To a Mummery Day (time to dress up and pantomime or lip-sync your all-time favorite celebrity or perhaps a cartoon character if you’re really in a pinch)

February 9: Cock-O'-The Walk Day (your frisky fortune cookie says it's time to pay tribute to all the red roosters you know who are brave, motivated, proud, romantic, and a tad blunt ...if truth be told )

February 10: Show & Tell Day (okay it’s about time to haul out your really neat travel slide show of your trip to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan with spell-binding commentary!)

February 11: The-Right-Way-to-Do-It Day (remember what Mum taught you …how to use a knife and fork, or other vital stuff like how to install a toilet paper roll correctly)

February 12: First-in-Line Day (finally an occasion celebrating persons whose surnames begin with “X”, “Y” or “Z”…so everyone else, kindly step to the back of the line!!)

February 13: Free Lunch Day (now you can call in your markers and collect all those outstanding IOUs you’ve been saving up for a rainy day – wow are you ever lucky!)

February 14: Slings & Arrows of Outrageous Fortune Day (how else do you expect to bewitch a beautiful beast; and no chocolate unless it’s made of soy or tofu …you twit)

February 15: Fly Your Own Flag Day (now where did I put that “Jolly Roger”?)

February 16: Gonad Games Day (better known as potentate pissing contests)

February 17: Red Devil Awareness Day (time to sprout horns, wear red tights and carry a booming great pitchfork to scare the heck out of your favorite Nemesis naturally)

February 18: Dr. Seuss Appreciation Day (hint: try raiding the kids’ room because you’ll need all the help you can get just to speak in riddles and rhymes all day long)

February 19: Hopscotch Awareness Day (time to go back to elementary school at recess time; hope you can hop, skip and jump...if not, you'd better hire a kangaroo)

February 20: Finger Food Appreciation Day (fee fie foe fum… today’s especially good news for weight-watchers, picky eaters or those wanting to ditch dishwashing duty)

February 21: Chocolate Ice Cream for Breakfast Day (in honor of taboo treats parents tell you not to eat for the first meal of the day or you’ll suffer a fate worse than death)

February 22: Galoshes, Gumboots & Go-Go Boots Day (time to pay homage to forgotten fanciful footwear worn by damsels-in-distress or devil-may-care types)

February 23: Divestment Awareness Day (time to indulge in nothing but Naked Truths ...especially if it involves a tale about an unappareled Emperor ...without so much as a figleaf to his name)

February 24: Fake or Flaunt It Day (the only day you get to act any way you please, provided of course you’re willing to pay for the consequences of your foolish little escapades)

February 25: Pity Pot Day (time to trade or toss your troubles away… in a trashcan?)

February 26: Mental Floss Day (the only occasion you can tell all the “Knock-Knock jokes” you want without anyone threatening to arrest you for verbal harassment)

February 27: Break Open the Piggy-Bank Day (whoopee no time like the present to splurge on a great cause; just make sure it’s your money there Ms. Socialite or Mr. Spendthrift)

February 28: Small Planet Appreciation Day (ever wonder what the world would be like without Venus and Mars gumming up the works and making fools of themselves?)

__________

*A rather loose-lipped leprechaun known to consume far too many lollypops and liqueurs for her own good.

**Editor of an arcane anthology full of titillating trivia entitled, "Little Loopholes in the Scriptures and Other Discrepancies of Note".

Speaking of odd and fanciful things, we would like to direct your attention to a fine little compendium of cheery and chortling sites at http://www.leaveamark.net

WORDS NEVER HEARD IN THE WORKPLACE

By Patience Pantperhog, whimsical wordwatcher at the “Wonder-Worker Weekly”

Today’s modern workplace is awash in buzzwords, bafflegab, and all manner of blessed bumpf to wade through or digest over a morning latte with a dab of whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles on top.

The never-ending drive to increase profits means employees everywhere must hunker down with their noses to the grindstone or else hustle their bustles out the door every day in search of new business.

So, it's not surprising to hear some strange murmurings emanating from boardrooms and bosses' offices the world over not to mention the odd cubicle and cubby-hole or two.

Rest assured, these verbal vaunts and zippy zingers likely have never seen the light of day.

But, if by chance those walls really did have ears...here's a saucy sampling of what might be heard:

• "Love your color-coordinated blue and red spandex bodysuit with sparkling smiley face cape ...but we don't hire “yes-people” in this company."

• "My doctor told me I had an infinitesimal brain ...do you have any openings for a low-maintenance plant to decorate your lobby?"

• "It’s “Casual Friday”, so by all means wear fishnet-stockings, leather leggings or even loincloths if you wish."

• "George, I know we need to celebrate “2005 - The Year of the Rooster” ...but frankly we’ve got too many frigging cock-a-doodle-dos in this barnyard already!"

• "‘Eager Beaver’ is my middle name ...so I’d love to sink my glistening white, tartar-fighting buckteeth into lots more work."

• "I'm Your #1 TEAM - The Easy Answer Man – at your service."

• "Hey, I’m all pumped up, so where do we register for that trial balloon course?"

• "...My last performance evaluation said that I’d make a great scapegoat – do you need one in your department?"

• "By the way, is that 'arm candy' job posted on the executive dining room notice board still available?"

• "The latest corporate communications audit shows we've got nothing but the highest quality, 360 degree closed feedback loop rating in the industry ... so what's new at the virtual watercooler and whistleblower pit stop dude?".

• "Okay, let me get this straight...Neptune was in Capricorn and Mercury's gone retrograde, but I still need one more defensible position why we didn't meet quota last month."

• "Princess Poohbah, if I honor your request for an engraved nameplate on your powder-room door, then will you play 'Kick the Can' with me?"

• "Let's see, the most influential management book I've ever read ...hmmm...that would be Discovering the World of the Three-Toed Sloth by John Hoke...and a close second would be, Fish Who Answer the Telephone by Yury Petrovich Frolov."
  
  
  
  

MIND-BENDING COURSES FOR THE MIRTH-CHALLENGED

Or, ludicrous learning opportunities for foot-in-the-mouth folk

If your workplace or home is inhabited by an Eeyore (you know, the one carrying a wet noodle around and humming a woe-is-me lullaby), it's probably time to register him/her for a course or two at JOCULAR STATE UNIVERSITY (JSU).

JSU is a state-of-the-art, jest-in-time technology institute offering an eclectic selection of ludicrious learning opportunities for lethargic lemmings, lingering lodestones, and lamentable lost souls. (You can't miss them, they're the square pegs who don't fit into little round holes or those who reside out-of-the-box permanently.)

The good news is that the institute has an "open door" policy. That's probably because it has no doors to keep anyone out or in for that matter. Folks pretty well come and go as they please, as long as they agree to smile, wave or at a minimum, acknowledge something positive about the day.

So, Eeyores will definitely find this place interesting. For one thing it has a big WELCOME sign, a gargantuan meeting place appropriately called, "The Lost and Found", and no guidance counsellors telling them to play "pin the tail on the donkey" as an ice-breaker!

Without going into all the details and fine print, here's a smattering of "What's New at JSU in 2005":

Dragon-Slaying 101:
A Certified Socratic Sandbox Symposium for Grown-Ups interested in learning how to become more productive by eliminating fire-belching and bothersome dragons from their work environment. Participants are invited to bring examples of dragon dilemmas for a case study, and also share tasty snacks with classmates and their esteemed instructor, Master Zap Whatnot.

(Note: Students must show proof of having completed a course in curmudgeon communications, conflicting conundrums or cloak ‘n’ dagger cogitation).

Go Fly a Kite! A wonderful stress-buster designed to send your favorite nemesis into space. If you’ve ever wanted to tell that special someone in your life to take a hike or simply take a long walk off a short pier, we recommend a healthier alternative – invite them over to your “Go Fly a Kite” party! Send an invitation to your boss, local politician, competitor or relative to join you for a special celebration in any public park at 12 noon on any Sunday. Bring your own kite (bought or home-made) and ask them to spread their wings and become a pilot for the day.

Facilitator: Ophelia Offleyhoo, an over-enthusiastic silly-putty and hoola-hoop performer & a certified instructor of ludicrous leisure and patently ridiculous pastimes.

Anatomy of Osteoheehee. A remarkable seminar designed to introduce participants to the little known osteoheehee, commonly referred to as the “funny bone”, which is often confused with its rather distant and sometimes disappointing relative, "osteohoho", affectionately called the "wishbone".

Instructor: Arthur Ungulate, a retired veterinarian and little-known author of a long-winded college textbook entitled, "A Horse of Course".

Humble Pie Making and Eating Etiquette. This is payback time for all the humble pie enthusiasts among your family, friends and work mates. (Participants should bring their best recipe as well as to whom the pie should be given and how it should be eaten).

Instructor: Murray Mincemeat, sous-chef at the Giggling Gargoyle Restaurant.

How to Milk Sacred Cows & Cook Golden Geese For All They’re Worth!
Presented by the local chapter of the Holy Heffalump Order, this short-course in metaphysics provides students with secret tips, arcane techniques and nifty tricks used to fleece any flock of followers effectively.

Instructor: Genevieve Grist-Grommet, a communications and public relations graduate of the Little Bo Beep & Friends Academy.

Start Your Own Profitable Recession-Proof Dragon-Slaying Business! Recommended for those seeking a professional career change and an active lifestyle. This is a truly exceptional course and an infinitely rewarding opportunity to learn more about the monster-mashing business. (Applicants must write an essay explaining what attributes they possess that qualify them for a career as a Certified Master Dragon-Slayer).

Instructor: George W. Bumpkin, former CEO, CFO and Board Chairman of the renowned international consulting and auditing firm of Balderdash Ballyhoo & Bunkum Inc.

Why Do Chickens Cross Roads? If you’ve always been perplexed by imponderable questions like this one, you’ll have a field day in this course. (Participants are invited to toss their straightjackets and bring along lots of nonsense to ponder and wet noodles to amaze a myriad of other web-footed folk).

Instructor: George Beccles-Gignog, MD., author of “Someone You Know May Have Flown the Chicken Coop”.


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For those who want to know what's what, who's who' and where to sign up, please email the Ripsnorting Registrar of the Ridiculous Repository of Remarkable Inklings and Insight: quippingqueen@yahoo.com

Those who don't have a funnybone but just love writing tests to show off how brilliant they are, well here's a place to tickle your brain for free (although: http://web.tickle.com/tests/uiq/index-pop.jsp?sid=1807&supp=120_states&z==

Those seeking diplomas, certificates, transcripts, or letters of recommendations from this or any affiliate institution of levity, please visit AAArdvark, the world's first fake - free university diplomas at: http://www.boxfreeconcepts.com/aaardvark.html

And for those with their thinking caps firmly in place wishing to find "fun solutions for serious problems", please check out Humor University: http://humoru.com

IT'S JEST JANUARY!

Eccentric events and odd occasions to celebrate in January 2005

Compiled by Lady Beatrice Blitterlees, (in polite circles referred to as the Duchess of Dither), and edited by Lord Earl Craboon, (better known in the upper echelons of society as the Duke of Doorknobs)


January is, to put it bluntly, a bit of a merry-impaired month as far as the Gregorian calendar is concerned.

With the ho-ho-ho season gone...things must start all over again.

The origin of January comes from "Janus", the god with two faces, one on the front of his head, and one on the back. He's the guardian of gateways and of beginnings. (Now we know who to blame for the ridiculous ritual of making New Year's resolutions, long forgotten by this time next year.)

Brain cell exercises aside, there are simpler if not slothful ways to get through the first month of winter. Let's see there's yawning and humming not to mention less taxing titillations such as twiddling one's thumbs, wagging one's chin, or just plain wiggling one's ears.

For those who share an abiding interest in mild merriment, modest mirth and marvellous morsels of muddle -- this month has your name on it.

So, without further adieu -- here are some upcoming odd occasions to add to your "to do" list and eccentric events to celebrate on your January calendar.

Note: The funnybone-impaired should proceed with caution as excessive giggling, glad-handing, and gleams in the eye are known to cause gregarious gleeful behavior which your gloom and doom family members and friends may not understand or appreciate.

JEST JANUARY EVENTS AND CELEBRATIONS

1. National Nude Nick Day (in honor of Polar Bear swimmers and bodacious birthday suits of course)

2. Hops & Scotch Recovery Day (in honor of hung-over heffalumps)

3. Burping, Belching & Breaking Wind Day (yup, another survival-of-the-fittest contest)

4. Little Left-Overs Day (dedicated to forgotten things hibernating in the refrigerator)

5. Pin the Tail on the Donkey Day (a fine way to restore hope in the life of Eeyores)

6. Hug a Hippogriff (a mythical beast named "Bucktooth" is waiting for you at the petting zoo!)

7. Capricorn Awareness Day (are you sure you're ready to "get someone's goat"?)

8. Brown-Nosing Day (this is your chance to fawn and flatter your way to success naturally)

9. Touch-Tone Tune Day (be creative and compose a song using your telephone keypad)

10. Pet Rock Day (in honor of boisterous boulders, scintillating stones, and ribald rocks that will knock your socks off!)

11. Baubles, Bangles & Beads Day (impress your boss with trashy trinkets, garish gew-gaws, or perhaps a few knickknack paddywhacks)

12. National Clock-Watching Day (in honor of all pathetic procrastinators and ludricrously late-bloomers)

13. "Gotcha" Day (better get out the old whooppee cushion and chocolate-covered ants)

14. National Worrywart Day (brush up on your spell-binding sky-is-falling stories)

15. Gadfly (homo botflyillucus) Conservation Day (try cross-pollinating...with a saucy social butterfly... silly)

16. Things That Shouldn't Have Been Invented Day (recognizing strange gizmos or unusual gadgets you'd never be caught dead buying or using)

17. Edible Green Stuff Appreciation Day (learn to love or at least play quietly with your Brussels sprouts, spinach, cabbage or celery)

18. Slow News Day (in honor of far-flung factoids, sanctimonious slide shows, and pointless presentations that put most people to sleep)

19. National Bad Hair & Haberdashery Day (dedicated to folks whose best coiffure is a bald head or a ball-cap worn backwards)

20. National Lemming Awareness Day (celebrating the value of cliff-hangers and pro-active followship)

21. Naughty Poetry Day (honoring hilarious haikus, pugnacious puns and daring double-entendres)

22. Jungle-Mouth Elimination Day (c'mon what's your favorite mouthwash or toothpaste flavor?)

23. Tickle-A-Friend Day (based on gender-neutral, permission-based solictations only)

24. Goop & Gunk Day (time for a bit of patty-cake making or harmless mudslinging)

25. Haggis & Highland Fling Appreciation Day (a celebration of strange Scottish customs kept firmly under wraps unless your name is Robbie Burns)

26. Slide Rule Remembrance Day (if you don't know, ask an engineer how to use one)

27. Shaggy Dog Story Day (honors any anecdote or joke that lasts more than 5 minutes)

28. Go Fly a Kite! (what a way to send your favorite Nemesis up, up, and away for the day!)

29. National Wet Noodle Day (for those who can 'boil water' but can't cook worth a wok)

30. Merry Voice-Mail Greetings Day (time to create a humorous voice mail message to amaze your family, friends, or work mates)

31. National Cross-Dressing Day (what a way to empty your chameleon clothes' closet!)