IT'S ADDLEHEADED APRIL!

Or, time for feather-brained folk to have some fun! --

**Compiled by Leady Beatrice Blitterlees and edited by Lord Earl Craboon, frequent-fops-for-hire who, from time to time, provide much needed comic relief in the constipated Court of "The Quipping Queen"


April is one of those months that most pithy people would rather forget. After all, it’s the only month that starts off on a “foolish footing”.

The good news is that fops, (who more often than not put their foot in their mouths as opposed to someone else’s), have only one day a year to celebrate the folly of mankind.

The bad news is that anyone who adores linear thinking will be in for a rough ride this month.

Soothsayers usually have fun with April because they often predict that the sky will fall without warning, (or at a minimum rain cats and dogs).

As if that’s not enough, some bloke with precious little to do decided it was high time to turn all clocks backwards (for Daylight Savings Time).

So, if you’re looking for an excuse to engage in a bit of eclectic entertainment, you hit the right month of quintessentially quirky things to do.

APRIL CALENDAR OF COCKAMAMIE CAPERS & ODD OCCASIONS

1. APRIL FOOLS’ DAY (Toss your troubles away, don your dunce cap, and let your “Inner Fool” loose at the 1st Annual Feast of Fools to be held in your city)

2. NO-NO DAY (Yippy, haul out all those tacky tank-tops and tasteless t-shirts hiding in your closet from your last trip through the Tunnel of Love or to the Jungle Gym playground)

3. COCKAMAMIE CLOCK APPRECIATION DAY (Okay, all you daring digital dweebs get to run around the place and change every frigging clock forward one hour)

4. GET-A-LIFE-DAY (Time to listen/watch your favorite guilt-inducing motivational music tape guaranteed to cure couch potatoes, sensitive sloths and desperate housewives)

5. WIGGLE YOUR NOSE & WOBBLE WALK RECOGNITION DAY (Use these valuable interpersonal skills before someone else really important discovers them)

6. ADDLEHEAD APPRECIATION DAY – (Who says being a confused, witless, feather-brained foghorn doesn’t make a vital contribution to the world of wonk?)

7. HOKEY-POKEY DANCE DAY (Thank goodness there’s a festive occasion for pugilistic people with two left feet and a third eye in the middle of their foreheads)

8. LOOSE LIP APPRECIATION DAY (Time to tell a humongous yet harmless hoodwinking tale about an affable “Velcrow Vixen" or Vlad the Impaler” you once knew)

9. DUMB QUESTIONS DAY (Love those ice-breakers like: “My boomerang won’t come back, have you seen it? Or, can you tell me what flavor of toothpaste dogs like?”)

10. CUP OF CROCK DAY (Name the best source of “hornswaggle” in your town)

11. AGELAST AWARENESS DAY (Time to recognize those sad sacks in your life who never fail to laugh last, or the ones who couldn’t laugh if their life depended on it)

12. SNAPPING FINGERS DAY (This is time well-spent on honing the fine art of getting prompt attention from people called door-openers, head-waiters, and valets)

13. CUT & PASTE DAY (Bring all your funky flyers, a sharp pair of scissors, and a big pot of glue to work today; it’s quirky cut-and-paste collage time again, yippee!!)

14. OPENING PANDORA’S BOX DAY (Warning: Wearing protective devices is probably wise move, especially if you haven’t seen the contents of the blessed box lately)

15. ANGELOCRACY AWARENESS DAY (Ever wondered what it would be like to be “touched by an angel” or better yet, ruled over by one like the Cream Cheese Lady?)

16. FLAUNT YOUR FRIED FLOWERS DAY (Time to dust off your dead dandelions, sing to your silk something-or-others, and nip one in the bud for a boring friend)

17. GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER DAY (Invite three imaginary guests home to share a meal with you, and don’t forget to chat them up...after all you’re the host!)

18. TICKY TACKY BOX DECORATING DAY (Time to redecorate your cozy cubby hole, by making a colorful, cabobbling statement -- about the real you naturally!)

19. PAINT-BY-NUMBERS APPRECIATION DAY (For linear thinkers who can’t color outside the lines but whose taste in fine art includes the Mona Lisa, Whistler’s Mother & Spiderwoman)

20. TAKE THE BULL BY THE HORNS DAY (Time to turn the tables on all those Taurus types – you know the boring, dependable, insensitive, materialistic, obstinate, orderly, placid, pondering, self-indulgent, rather slow-moving creatures of few words who likes nothing more than plain food or ...just the facts ma'am)

21. ROYAL FLUSH DAY (It’s your throne room, at least for one day a year; so sing your favorite tune loudly in the loo; you only live once ... unless you believe in reincarnation)

22. PATTY CAKE APPRECIATION DAY (“Earth Day” means you can jump in mud puddles, put mud packs on your face, or whip up a Martha Stewart patty cake!)

23. FLAPDRAGON DAY (It’s “St. George’s Day” in Newfoundland where they show-off their Do-It-Yourself-Dragon-Slaying Skills for timid tourists, terse teetotalers and merry-challenged monsters who live in dark caves ...where else would they live?)

24. CELEBRATE A NON-BIRTHDAY (Throw yourself a party or call someone way down on your “to call” list (the ones you usually reserve for "one of these days when you get around to it")

25. BLEEPING BAND INSTRUMENT DAY (Time to make percussion thingies out of empty cardboard boxes and tin cans, cymbals out of pot lids, and a piano out of partially filled glass jars – who said you can’t make music and march to your own loony tune!)

26. ODD-BALL HABITS APPRECIATION DAY (Try brushing your teeth with your other hand, drawing with your toes instead of your fingers for a change, or winking with flair & panache)

27. THREE-LEGGED RACE DAY (For those who’ve dreamed of winning a red, blue, yellow ribbon or a little gold, silver, or bronze star to stick on the refrigerator door)

28. TRIVIA IN A TIME-CAPSULE DAY (Put all the obsolete things you know and love in your container like tape cassettes of your 5th birthday, Polaroid photos of your pet snake “It”, your first parking ticket, and your favorite chewing gum with great baseball sluggers)

29. BUMPER STICKER APPRECIATION DAY (Find a funny decal to share with your playmates, workmates, or even your nettlesome next door neighbor)

30. LIRIPOOP & LOLLIPOP DAY (What a great way to recognize a silly person or really stupid trick than with a licking-good lollipop flavor of your own choosing!)

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And for those who don't realize the importance of "The Necessary Joker" in our society ... here's more to fill your boots: http://www.boston.com/globe/search/stories/books/lewis_hyde.htm

FUNNY PHOBIAS -- AMAZING BUT TRUE!

So, you think you've heard them all?

By Charles Henry Clackavoid, a flexiloquent fysigunkus (or a man on a mission of muddleheadness mixed with a minute measure of mirth)

Fear is a pretty powerful motivator. I should know.

I'm deathly afraid of slimy slugs, snakes, and other creepy things that slither about without my knowledge or permission.

But, with help from a wonky word collector named E.G. Bird living in Nanaimo, British Columbia (and publisher of the "Grandiloquent Dictionary"), I now have a comprehensive list of more fears than I care to become acquainted with or choose to acknowledge without assistance from a humdinger headshrinker.

The following little list is by no means exhaustive. After all, I didn't get past those charming ones beginning with the letter "A". However, since most of you haven't got the time or the inclination to go on a wild goose chase, let alone research obscure yet positively breath-taking phobias, I thought I would give you a peek.

ALEKTOROPHOBIA - fear of chickens (I guess we won't see too many of these folk hanging out at KFC, Chicken Chef or the Swiss Chalet will we?)

AMATHOPHOBIA - fear of dust (which probably prevents some domestic divas from achieving stardom).

APEIROPHOBIA - fear of infinity (probably just as well, since there's far too much stuff floating aimlessly about in outer space with perhaps who knows what unintended consequences -- if one should accidentally wobble and bump into another less than accommodating foreign object).

ARACHIBUTYROPHOBIA - fear of peanut butter (...who knew that a few smashed nuts would have that effect on people?)

ATAXIOPHOBIA - a fear of disorder (that can only be relieved if you hire a happy-go-lucky harridan called "The Clutter Queen" by contacting clutterqueen@shaw.ca.

Now the only one I didn't come across was "ANGELOPHOBIA" - fear of flying nuns (the ones that don't like riding turbo-charged broomsticks or Harley bikes) and angels (a.k.a. featherless phantoms in your average basic black attire) with a marvellous moniker -- "Michael".

Now, before I forget, could you please buzz off and let me get back to my second favorite bedtime book, "Poplollies and Bellibones" (by Susan Kelz Sperling).

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For those who absolutely insist on verifying facts, factoids, and factums -- please proceed to E.G. Bird's "Grandiloquent Dictionary" http://www.islandnet.com/~egbird/dict/dict.htm

No Fooling! ... some flummoxed folks run the other way when they see a clown, (and who wouldn't, most wear weird clothes and war-paint not to mention have huge feet, humungous ears, and one heck of a blinking red nose!) http://mentalhealth.articleinsider.com/74177_fear_of_clowns.html

A PAUCITY OF PUCKS N' PRANKS

Or, where have all the April Fools’ Day greeting cards gone?

By Samantha Tooting-Beck, an avid April Fools’ Day prankster and puckish pixie with a very fertile imagination and way too much time on her hands to waste it on serious stuff

It’s always been a mystery to me why I can never find April Fools’ Day cards in stores . Now there's a paucity of Pucks and pranks if ever there was one!

Who says loons and buffoons don’t deserve their own card? Why has Hallmark, (who keep us chortling on birthdays and holidays), forgotten to commemorate this rather fine occasion with a card?

Perhaps by encouraging the “Inner Fool” in all of us to come out and play …card companies think all hell will break loose, the sky will fall on them, or even scarier …they’ll be sued up the ying-yang by an emperor without any clothes on.

The origin of April Fools’ Day dates back more than five hundred years, to some powerful potentates in Europe who wanted a new calendar. Or, maybe it had something to do with the Fickle Finger of Fate’s bad hair day!

Truth is, people got bored in the good old days. Let’s face it bread and circus performances were wearing a tad thin. And cooling one’s heels on a street corner in the hope of meeting a guy named “Godot” wasn’t all that much fun either.

Change is always hard …especially if some poor fish wants to keep the old calendar festive occasions, while new kids on the block want to muck up everything. Not surprisingly, chaos ensued. (You know …the typical right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing, the usual foot in the mouth games, not to mention the odd tongue-in-cheek was bound to drive most clodplates, cretins and cullies crazy.)

Naturally, the fools -- those who didn’t celebrate the New Year in January but liked a lot of hoopla to mark the birth of spring -- got the short end of the stick. But pucks (and for that matter pixies) should never be under-estimated.

January, June or whatever ...what's a mundane month or two either way among friends? People, people, people ...it's time to let go of all that linear thinking and cogitate outside the box or color beyond the lines for pity's sake!!

When it comes down to it, who else but a fool can be relied upon to rush in where wise men never go? By the way, Mars has gone retrograde so don’t act on that tip about a gold scheme in the jungles of Indonesia …unless of course you dream of playing with funny money in a place called “Fool’s Paradise”!

Poppycock problems always demand super-sized solutions, so fools got down to business. Turning tables on twits and twerps, not to mention Tweedledees & Tweedledums, seemed like good idea at the time.
And, thanks to those playful pranks on “All Fools Day”, tickling funnybones is infinitely more entertaining than snapping chicken (wish)bones.

So toss your troubles in the trashcan, face down your fear making a fool of yourself in public, and start handing out your own "frequent featherbrain" or "frequent flubber” cards! After all, what better way to honor our "Inner Fool" than the gift of glee.

So get out there and enjoy a lick of laughter, a jolt of joy, or maybe a taste of titillation at least one day a year!

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(1) Beware: An Inner Fool is On the Loose! (for a close-up view, take a peek at this one in the Quipping Queen's online gallery): http://www.flickr.com/photos/quippingqueen/6845906/

Note: Perhaps the reason why there's a shortage of silly stuff on the April Fools' Day shelves can be attributed to an elusive legal beagle named "Murphy" or else a strange phenomena discovered by Douglas Adams (1952-2001) in his wonky work of wit, "Mostly Harmless", that "The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."

If perchance you're looking for the perfect present for a scatterbrained soul born on All Fools' Day, let your fingers do the walking over to: http://presentpicker.com/ppp/april/april_fools_day/html

BEWARE OF JESTERS & JITTERBUGS!

Or, …there’s a party with my name on it isn’t there?

By Penelope Bonkles, a quirky quidnunc, giggling gadfly and casual Goddess of Guffaw

Recently designated “cultural capital of Canada”, Victoria, British Columbia will host the “FIRST ANNUAL FEAST OF FOOLS”** on April 1, 2005.

April Fools’ Day, (not-your-average-festive-occasion), has been often been ignored by Canada’s high-profile personalities, the media, and puck-deprived people in general.

For history buffs, 135 years ago, Queen Victoria, (“she who must be obeyed” regarded ancient winter pagan partying traditions removed from the British calendar of holidays. The “Feast of Fools” (from the times of the Roman Saturnalia) was banished. It seems however that she forgot to ban another pagan party excuse and festive occasion full of white rabbits and “Easter Eggs”.

Besides bread and circuses, (invented to distract everyone from toppling tyrants in the “good old days”), something had to be done to let frisky folks vent a little. Some say “All Fools’ Day” began in 1852 in France with the reform of a crummy calendar (replaced by a giggle-oriented Gregorian one).

The change-experts of the day jumped on the bandwagon and began playing around with the good time occasions (which were becoming few and far between). The bad news was that the New Year’s celebration was moved from March 25th to January 1st, and the “Lords of Misrule” celebration held in mid-winter was moved to April 1st.

In those digitally-deprived days, news traveled about the speed of a donkey. Consequently far-flung folks on the Continent and in the British Isles weren’t informed of the changes for several years. To make matters worse, there were some testy types who dug their heels into the mud, refusing to play patty-cake cooperatively which made recognizing the decreed change of festive dates a tad difficult if not impossible.

Labelled as “fools” by the general population, these “inveterate ingrates” (as they were called by pedants and politicians) were frequently sent off on “foolish errands” or sent invitations to non-existent parties. These playful pranks (involving hanging a paper fish on the back of someone) became known as “poisson d’avril” (or April Fish). And as every fly-fisher knows early birds get the biggest worms, which makes catching minnows a rather easy meal to prepare (especially if there’s no golden arches in sight).

April Fools’ Day has now taken on an international flavor.

In Scotland, April 1st is called “Taily Day”, having to do with a penchant the kilted folk have for poking fun at the posteriors of others. The butts of these jokes are known as “Gowks” (or cuckoo birds).

In England, jokes are only played in the morning (along with their breakfast tea as it should be). Fools are referred to as “gobs”, while those who have been deceived by chicanery are called “noodles”.

In Rome the occasion, known as “The Festival of Hilaria” is marked on March 25h, celebrating the resurrection of the god Attis (and is also referred to as “Roman Laughing Day).

In Portugal, April Fools’ Day is celebrated before Easter and usually involves throwing flour at ones friends.

In India on March 31, people celebrate the “Huli Festival” with playful pranks, sometimes involving colorful pints of paint.

Determined to revive the best titillating, tongue-in-cheek traditions of all cultures, FOPS (the Fools on Parade Society), will be organizing a special spoofing event to celebrate the vital role played by flaneurs, fools, fonkins in our society.

This eclectic evening of fun and frolic will delight all those who appreciate flagrant foppery and foolish activities with prizes for the best costumes, best funnybone performances, and trickster trivia plus some finger-licking good snacks for those wanting a taste of “Fool’s Paradise”.

A guest appearance by a lost-in-the-moat, ripsnorting royal pain in the butt by the name of “Victoria Elizabeth”, (and author of an award-winning humor blog) will highlight this night of nifty high jinks and hoodwinking hoopla.

Affectionately known as “The Quipping Queen” (and “Empress of Eccentricity”), not to mention “Patron of the Fools On Parade Society” (FOPS), she will be grinning a lot, signing autographs for an eclectic group of Empire Loyalists, and handing out all manner of odd titles, plus a few perfectly ridiculous certificates of meritorious merry-making.

So, on April 1st – Beware of Jesters & Jitterbugs! in hoity-toity homes, nudnick neighborhoods, or wonky workplaces. (You know …the flim-flam or frooncey folk with far too many saucy surprises under their boffo belts, hilarious hats, or puckish pinafores to keep a straight face).

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** First Annual "Feast of Fools" - 7:00 pm, James Bay Coffee & Books, 143 Menzies Street, Victoria, BC. (Note: Proceeds will go to the volunteer vixens and delightful divas from the “Dialogue Strings Circle Society” of Victoria).

Tourism Victoria has graciously assisted in promoting this event. So for more information on this "hilarious happening" or other special events of interest, please see: http://www.tourismvictoria.com/Content/EN/436.asp?id=2796

To catch a glimpse of the elusive, jelly-jiggling jesters or jitterbugging jokers, take a wee peek at this gaudy-looking gem in our online giggle gallery: http://www.flickr.com/photos/quippingqueen/6839103/

For those who can't make this guffaw gig, why not try creating your own merry meal menu (maybe a marvellous mirthful soup made from "Laughing Stock"??) Check out: http://familyfun.go.com/recipes/family/feature/famf47FoolDinner/

And, if you need some "perky party pranks" to honor the fool in all of all drop by this fun centre: http://familyfun.go.com/arts-and-crafts/season/feature/famf39pranks/

CALLING ALL BOFFOS!

Or, let's have a tickled pink party!

By Penelope Bonkles, a quirky quidnunc, giggling gadfly and casual Goddess of Guffaw


-- CALLING ALL BOFFOS, Bling Blingers, and Buffoons, not to mention Jolly Jokers, Happy Hoodwinkers, Waggish Whifflers plus an odd assortment of Goofy Gods, Moxie Mavens, and Spunky Sprites!

The "Ship of Fools" will arrive jest-in-time for APRIL FOOL'S DAY in the Port of Victoria! And -- The Quipping Queen, HRH "Victoria Elizabeth" -- will be hosting the evening along with an entourage of gag-conscious guests on this sportive spoofing occasion.

So bring along your loose lips and light heart! Regale everyone with your soppy songs, recite your loopy limericks, and maybe even draw a droodle or two!

Okay, so you draw like a dork and twitter like a twat. For heavens sake, do stop snivelling!! Don your delightful dunce cap or your merry mortarboard!

Better yet, grab your garrish giggle gown, zany zoot suit or sparkly spandex body armour.

If all else fails, JEST BE YOURSELF!

So hot foot it on down to Victoria's FIRST ANNUAL "FEAST OF FOOLS". Join in the high jinks, taste the titillating treats, check out those bonehead books, and win some playful prizes!

NOTE: Of interest to tantalizing tightwads and trolls will be the $5 cover charge plus the cost of a barmy beverage (with a very long foreign-sounding name) or a smashing snack (with a short snooty-sounding moniker). But for the rest of the rapscallions attending, it will be a small price to pay for being tickled pink at this event!

PROCEEDS from this eclectic event will go to the volunteer vixens and delightful divas from the "Dialogue Strings Circle Society" of Victoria.
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For those interested in oodles of information about the long-forgotten "Feast of Fools", take a peek at http://www.encyclopedia.com/html/X/X-F1eastF1oo.asp

Anyone interested in knowing the "Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of all Time", drop by:
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/

And for those with short attention spans who need a little visual stimulation to whet their appetite for this event, drop by the Quipping Queen's online photogallery at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/quippingqueen

VICTORIA TO HOST FIRST ANNUAL 'FEAST OF FOOLS'

For Immediate Release - March 9, 2005

VICTORIA TO HOST FIRST ANNUAL "FEAST OF FOOLS"!

VICTORIA -- The capital of British Columbia will play host on April 1, 2005 to the 1st Annual “Feast of Fools”, in honor of the city’s most coveted award as a “Cultural Capital” of Canada, and the disparaging shortage of greeting cards on store shelves to mark the celebration of "All Fools Day".

Organized by F.O.P.S. (the Fools on Parade Society), this festive folly will raise awareness of and support for the valuable and vital role performed by the fool in our society.

President of FOPS, Pierre Buldoo (CEO of PinkElephants2go.com, a newly-minted, jest-in-time™ technology firm of nerds and noodleheads) stated in a recent interview, “We stand behind this event because it exemplifies the saucy spirit of all those who make this 'Land of Flakes, Fruitcakes and Nutbars' home.”

FOPS event coordinator, Iona Buttsworth, (the former Duchess of Dither), indicated that “this odd occasion will appeal to everyone who wants to let their 'Inner Fool' come out to play after dark.” She added that “besides mixing, mingling and munching, the ‘Feast of Fools’ encourages people to show off their hilarious haberdashery, strut their silly walks, or simply sally forth in their most outrageous outfits…not to mention a fine opportunity for flibbertigibbets to sing soppy songs, flaneurs to recite loopy limericks, and flapdoodlers to draw a droodle or two”.

Tourism officials are said to be quite elated at the prospect of a “boon in buffoons” to the local economy.

Costume rental shops report brisk business in trying to keep up with the insatiable demand of name-dropping nincompoops looking for funky fashions and gaudy gowns to wear for the event.

Paparazzi, politicians and port authorities are falling all over themselves to be first in line to welcome the "Ship of Fools" expected to dock with a VIP aboard.

The vaudevillian vessel, carrying all manner of vanity-conscious voyageurs, also includes a little-known, ripsnorting royal named HRH “Victoria Elizabeth” (a.k.a. “The Quipping Queen”). “She-who-must be obeyed”, (as she is sometimes referred to by her false friends and wonky well-wishers), will be accompanied on this official visit by an eclectic entourage of quirky courtiers led by Viscount Bedfont (a somnambulant sexagenarian).

Press Secretary for “The Quipping Queen”, Count Guidobaldo Le Touquet, indicated that “oodles of Boffos and Bling Blingers, not to mention Joy-Riding Jokesters and Happy–Go-Lucky Hoodwinkers, plus an assortment of Goofy Goddesses, Moxie Mavens and Spunky Sprites will have a jolly good time on this auspicious occasion!”

Dr. Thor Trewoofe, Professor Emeritus of Laughing Matters, recommended that “those with light heads and light hearts wear fanciful fool’s caps and dazzling dunce hats so as to distinguish themselves from marginally merry souls if not mirth-challenged mortarboard members of Victoria’s three esteemed Ivory Tower Institutes of Inklings.”

For just $5 plus the cost of a barmy beverage (with a very long, not to mention impressive, foreign-sounding name) or a simple snack (with a short but incredibly snooty moniker), fools may rush in and enjoy the high jinks, tacky treats, and piffling prizes as well as applaud the winners of some very incredulous achievements.

Date: Friday, April 1, 2005 (April Fools' Day)

Time: 7:00 p.m.

Place: James Bay Coffee & Books
143 Menzies Street
Victoria, British Columbia* (Canada)

NOTE: Proceeds from this event will go to the volunteer vixens and delightful divas from the "Dialogue Strings Circle Society" of Victoria.

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* In the heart of beautiful downtown Victoria, British Columbia conveniently situated not far from the major Inner Harbor tourist attraction, a delightfully decorated Pecksniffian playground, known affectionately as the Provincial Legislature.

For a sneek preview of our "APRIL FOOL'S DAY - Feast of Fools Mascot", do drop by the Quipping Queen's On-Line Digital Photo Gallery at http://www.flickr.com/photos/quippingqueen/6158519/

All hoodwinking hounds will truly appreciate the urban myths and theories abounding regarding the origin of April Fool's Day. So, for those with an insatiable appetite for foolish factoids, let your fingers fly over the keyboard to the folks from SNOPES : http://www.snopes.com/holidays/april/aprlfool.htm

NOTE: Lollygagging-lifestyle and levity-focused folk wishing to know more about “The Quipping Queen", (awarded top honors as ‘best of breed’ humor blog in 2004 by CanadaBlogs.com and Weblogs.com) are cordially invited to visit the virtual vanity chest of chortles, guffaws, and shenanigans at http://www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com./

FAMOUS LAST WORDS

Or, are you sure the power is off?

By Sherlock Tidpit, a jest-in-time™ technology expert, (and amateur sci-fi investigator of certain rare extra-terrestrial phenomena such as the timid “Stippleback Sourpuss”, the ever-elusive, wingless “Surly Spatterbug”, and the invisible, two-tailed “Soiled Specklemonger”)

A recent survey by WHAMS, (World Hoof & Mouth Society), indicates that more people these days are putting their feet (and in some cases hoofs) in their mouths than ever before.

Evidence suggests that a pandemic plague in frequent flopping, habitual botching, and ubiquitous blundering from such convexed contortions could have a deleterious effect upon the health and well-being of all living things on the planet.

Leading scientific researchers, (just a titch left of centre), attribute this rather odd behavior or recreational pastime to the indubitable fact that humans require a minimum of fifteen minutes of fame during their lifetime (no matter what the cost or the consequences). A minority group of right-wing researchers on the fringes of frank thought and utilitarian understanding argue that this behavior is not unusual or statistically significant since large mammals with feet outnumber mouths by a factor of 2:1 and, in some cases, by as much as 4:1.

Healers from around the globe, (a traditionally spell-binding, pill-popping, and cut-it-out group of practitioners), have however been a tad overwhelmed by the flood of fools showing up for treatment at medical facilities, truth temples, and local fix-it shops.

On the other hand, dentists everywhere, (a traditionally happy-go-lucky lot), are reporting a higher burn-out rate than expected, due to an alarming increase in the rate of emergency hoof extraction procedures performed on hordes of frantic fools turned away by the physicians, hands-on-healers, and snake charmers.

Grief counselors and social workers from every nook and cranny, (a traditionally taciturn group of professionals), are disturbed by the chronic level of under-funding for programs to assist the victims of foot folly who’ve fallen not surprisingly between the cracks. They will be launching a petition shortly to lobby government officials for more money, or failing that, at the very least ... an opportunity to be touched by an angel, dabbed by the wand of a fairy godmother, or maybe a night out on the town with "The Man from Glad".

Transnational financial institutions (a traditionally tight-wad group of titans with a penchant for taboo tattoos) have expressed concern about the never-before-seen deluge in requests from distraught dingbats, wayward wingnuts, and testy tomfools wishing to cash out their savings or cash-in their insurance policies. This unprecedented activity is jamming the phone lines to call centres, crashing computer systems, and overheating the economy leading to a currency crisis, an inflated funny-money supply, and an exponential growth in money-laundering machines (that won't take quarters).

And last but not least, fire-fighters, police and emergency response personnel (traditionally the subject of made-for-TV dramas), are staging sit-downs in order to give their feet a rest and to protest the influx of reality-TV shows starring foolhardy folk who are undermining their job opportunities for walk-on parts, consulting roles, or professional posing gigs as hunks for charity balls and fundraising calendars.

The only bright light on the horizon is a dramatic boost in holiday bookings to "Fool's Paradise", (a boon to the flagging hospitality, travel and airline transportation industries), and a firstly quarterly earnings report issued by the U.S. Mattress Manufacturing Industry Trade Group indicating brisk sales in coiled bedding but a plummeting demand for waterbeds since January 2005.

With such a grave situation at hand, the United Nations, the World Bank, and the European Union, not to mention the White House and 10 Downing Street have announced that “the following List of Famous Last Words shall be banished forthwith, immediately, and “toute de suite” from all public speech and discourse”.

These drastic measures are being taken in the hope of restoring peace on earth and goodwill toward men (not to mention a very long list of other affirmative action members of society, who for the needs of brevity shall remain forever nameless, at least in this agonizingly arduous article on much ado about nothing of vital importance or cataclysmic proportions in the hitherto inexplicable grand scheme of things…unless of course one has successfully completed "Introduction to Philosopy 101", "Elementary Quantum Physics 102", or "Zen for Men 999".)

And, for those who have been waiting, (with baited breath naturally), for the “Top 10 Banned Famous Last Words List”, here they are:

• That’s cool -- some of my best friends have useless appendages like that.

• That would be mine thank you.

• What duck! … I'm the bleeding Fickle Finger of Fate!

• Now I ask you, what would the Truth Turtle do in this situation?

• Oh don’t be so superstitious!

• These are the good kind of mushrooms, (Martha told me so).

• If “The-Great-Sees-All-Knows-All-Spirit-of-Everything” doesn’t need them, neither should you!

• Okay, so who let you into the gene pool?

• I can do this with my eyes closed … but what does this button do?

• The odds of that happening are a million to one!